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If you are one of those millions who watch Breaking News hour after hour on Indian television channels; channels that clamor for viewers’ attention with single-minded devotion, then this post is for you.

Before you start reading this, recall the last breaking news story you saw on the Idiot Box – only one condition, it has to be an Indian news channel – NDTV, CNN-IBN or Times Now take your pick. If you cannot recall any breaking news as it developed, nothing is lost, just go and switch on the television now and tune in to one of those channels. If you’re lucky, you will be seeing some news breaking your telly. If you aren’t as lucky, the channels will not disappoint you still. There will be some breaking news flashed in white text over red background.

You will see the news anchor in the Studio seemingly and seamlessly linked with his reporter stationed in some part of India. If it’s political news, there may be more than one reporter breaking the news for us answering to the “probing” questions of the anchor for the benefit of viewers, that is, you and me.

The breaking news could be anything- something about Dhoni’s broken bat or a slap delivered by Harbhajan to someone or a confidential report that is exclusively leaked by the channel for us or a resignation letter that a leader sent out to the news channel even before it was sent to the party high command. You’ve gotten the clue now, haven’t you?

Don’t stay glued to the TV. Come back here. Read this record breaking “breaking news” story of Jack n Jill that’s exclusively leaked for you by me. I received the story in my Gmail inbox; protected with a password that Gmail once told me was “very strong”. The story is so exclusive that I cannot even reveal where it originated from. It was made by some anonymous guy and forwarded to me by a very close friend whose email ID I am unable to reveal.

This story will remain live as long as my website doesn’t crash so you can share this story with your friends. Remember this very exclusive. Only to be shared with those who read it. And no one else.

Here’s how the TV news channel  would report the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.

Headline – Two persons hurt in climbing mishap-Jack and Jill

Prashant – TV Anchor
Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

Amrita Shah
Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons – Jack and Jill – had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

Prashant
Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

Amrita
Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]

Prashant
What news of Jack and Jill?

Amrita
Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]

Amrita
Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.

Amrita
And what happened next?

Shahid Trivedi
Jack fell down and broke his crown

Amrita
Go on.

Shahid Trivedi
And Jill came tumbling after.

Amrita
Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.

[Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]

Prashant
I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

Professor
Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack’s fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable.
But I think we’re overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and – this is the key – Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

Prashant
Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons – Jack and Jill – went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden captured in Afghanistan, President Bush says rent-boy menage-a-trois was “just a brief lapse of judgement”, and Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised. We’ll be right back. Stay tuned.

(c) EveryThingBreaks Indian TV, 20XX.

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