Statutory Warning – Part – I (Part II is in the end):

1. This post might be stinky to some.  If you are one “with no heart and have never farted” you should decide to move away from this blog post now!  (both conditions must be fulfilled, before you move away)

2. If you are reading this line, you have given your acceptance that you have a heart and you have farted at least once in your life time.

3. If you are still reading this, you are making a confession, but a truthful one, unlike Mr. Ramalinga Raju.  Don’t worry, all stink just moves away in thin air, like the cash that Mr. Ramalinga Raju managed to evaporate at Satyam. You accept that you are a honest person.

4. This post is given to you in arse is where is condition.   No further claims are entertained for any leakages you might notice later on.

Welcome and read on

In the next sentence, there is a link to another blog.  Do not click that.  I will give that link once more at the end of this post.  This post is about the fading art called fart.

The theme for this post came from two sources.  First, I saw a joke woven around this in one of the superhit Tamil movies called Autograph.  As the hero’s middle aged friend bent to pay respects to his teacher a thunderous noise enhanced by the 5.1 surround sound system escaped from his system.

It provoked laughter in our drawing room and then I joined the hero’s middle aged friend enhancing the joy amongst our family and at the same time adding the missing flavour in the real life like movie experience (HDTV, original DVD, 5.1 surround sound system all will be incomplete if you cannot smell coffee as the heroine serves it to the hero.  Am I right?)

Most people practice the (f)art.  But, none comes out in the open (to speak about it).  As Sachin and Saurav do it on the cricket field, letting their bat do all the talking, in the wake of criticism, most people only speak at their back.   Speaking through their back, they probably think they have a better body language .  If you think about it, in some strange circumstances, it is exactly the language in which you might want to speak to some really annoying people.

I told to myself that I will be one of the few courageous people with a positive attitude to speak from the front about the issue at the back.

My colleagues in office used to tell me that I had an aura around me.  I didn’t realize then that not only me, but even they, had the knack of playing with words and were ‘pun’ny.

Everyone is right and have a right to think that this aura is exclusive to them.  But, in actuality, this exclusivity does not exist.

For example, in a crowded room people when people relieve the gas in exclusivity they do not actually know that they are working as a team.   The secrecy of their deliveries is broken and trouble begins when the asses speak en mass in their own silent way.

Necessity is the mother of all inventions.  So, you might see a technology emerge, that uses this abundant gas reserve as energy.  Who knows, in the future we might be having cars with “gas tanks” than “gasoline” tanks.  You might have to just open the tank fill it with fart and buzz off.   If you go on a family outing you might never have the tank empty.

If such technology emerges, India will sure emerge as the strongest and wealthiest nation in the world with its strong human reserve.  We will then move from an IT dependent exporter to an economy based on “it”.

I sincerely doubt that such technology is already being researched somewhere; nothing else can explain the fall of oil price from US $ 150 to US $ 40?

High end cars may be invented where you will be able to fill the “gas tank” from the comforts of your seat – on the move without opening your purse strings.  One good and crude(!) reality about this sound and silent giant is that it is absolutely naturally replenishing and is not a depleting energy source.  At best it is deflating.

Hiding a fart is a big problem.  It is a even more difficult than calculus for an accountant.  It is much more difficult than hiding Rs.5 billion cash from a Balance Sheet.  However, unlike scams, scents vanish in thin air faster than a scam  albeit momentarily all kinds of scents make the thin air heavy.

I once read in a book that one decent way of letting it go is to visit the wash room and let it go behind closed doors.  It was easier read than done.  I have tried to several times and each time I went to let it out I found to my dismay that the washroom was either occupied or someone entered before I could spread the message.   I had to keep a complete vigil on the moving feet through the bottom opening of the toilet door to ensure that there was none in the vicinity before I could clear the air (from my system).

After years of research and hours of googling, I found one truth.  There are only two kinds of people in the world.  Ones that fart and the rest that lie.   So never feel ashamed.  Be truthful to yourself.  All human beings leave it out, one time or other, mostly multiple times a day.

I have a feeling that even animals let it out but their fart is probably designed to affect only their noses.  There is a saying in Tamil “பாம்பின் கால் பாம்பறியும்”  which literally translates that “only another snake knows if a snake has legs” and a meaningful(?) translation will mean “to understand someone you have to be part of that clan”.  You will probably know it already.  We saw in the case of Satyam that only one Raju knew what the other Raju did.

So, may be another monkey only can smell one monkey’s farts.   This is proved by the fact that no dog or cat moves away when you fart.  On the other hand, they may actually love your fart so that they can find you even in a crowd with your distinguishable aura.

Another advantage with animals is that they can leave the air in the open air.  It gets mixed up and so it is never distinctly smellable.

So, it all boils down to the title.  Those who don’t fart have no heart.  Meaning, only the lifeless objects and heartless living beings do not fart, so you can count on those ants and plants not to fart but not the elephants (that would be one mammoth thing which only the mahout may know and give a “sound” reply.

Have I made “it” loud and clear?

Times when you feel you have been farted at:

1. When you ask for an increment and get nothing

2. When you ask for a discount while shopping and get nothing

3.  When there is recession and you go to meet senior people sitting in cabins

Born in 1965, four years back I turned Farty and few days back I turned Farty four and in one year time will be farti-fied.

Sign off:  Tell me honestly? Didn’t you let out few loud ones when you LOLed reading this post? If you say no, it means the following:

a) you are a dishonest person

b) you are a person with no heart

c) you have never parted a fart in your life time

Did you leave out a few loud ones while you LOLed reading this post? Then please share this with your friends using one of the links below.

Did you parted company of some silent killers as you read this post?

If yes, don’t hesitate, let this air spread.  Tell your friend, use the link below.  It will do good for the world by clearing the air about this problem.

I expect that all honest people with heart will do this.

STATUTORY WARNING Part – II:

This post, if it smells too much, don’t blame on me.  The smell is fully inspired from Jammy’s post which farticulated the fading art.

Tail piece:

I also write about cricket and so this post cannot be complete I bring out the fart in cricket.

All know that Aussies are past masters in sledging.  In one particular match, against South Africa, Hansie Cronje was on song hitting every one for fours and sixes.  Merv Hughes, the huge bowler with big mushtache, was getting special treatment from Cronje who had hit him for few fours and sixes.

After one such six, Merv bowled one maiden delivery and then went near to Hansie Cronje, let out a loud one telling Hansie “try hitting that for a six”.  It seems it took some time before the guffawing stopped and play resumed.

Trailing piece

All said and done, whether you like it or not, people who part with a fart are Trail blazers.  Long after they leave their aroma remains in the air.

Some statistical facts are presented below in a table.  I know that one should always back one’s  theories with numbers.  Especially the thing you want to back is the one that gets out of the back.  If one can’t back your farts with hard numbers, people will think you are all gas.

Below table, constructed from Google Adwords search, proves that fart is not that uncommon.  It is truly multi-national, multi-religion and multi-cultural.  Look at the top 10 fart searches on Google:

As such, I think, writing about farts is not that “fart fetched idea after all“

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